Summer Flowers on Winter Grounds
From the young age of five, Analiese understood the word love.
It was in the gentle caress her mother peppered her cheeks every morning in the bath, it was in the careful way her father would lift her up in his arms and it was in her brother’s subtle protective demeanor. At 10, she understood how to love, it showed in the fear she feels when her friends fall and hurt themselves; it overflows with the pride she shouts when her best friend wins his competitions; and it’s clear in the sincerity she expresses each time she shares her heart.
She knew that love was meant to be received wholeheartedly and given without expecting.
To say that Analiese did not understand love would be saying she did not learn how to count whole numbers or that she did not learn to speak in her native language. But then again, like the equations of the universe, it is infinite in mysteries and like every language in the world, it is hard speak every single one. Simply, no one knows love in the depth we all desire to learn.
That didn’t stop her from trying to learn and understand, no, Analiese did her best to show how much love she can give and to offer what space in her life she can offer. She was gentle, kind, and endearing. Never one to utter a word that cuts nor show any sign of anger towards another person.
It was as if she came to the world to love and be loved.
So it wasn’t a surprise to her friends that Maxine fell for her. Or any other person who ever encountered her and had the chance to experience just how much love Analiese can give.
No. It wasn’t a surprise at all. Those who knew Analiese knows she deserves all the love this world could give her. Because Maxine knew how to love just like Analiese knew how to.
And it wasn’t a surprise that their mutual friends would bring up the fact that Maxine confessed her love for Analiese during their night out, all the while waiting for her to arrive.
“Ang bagay ninyo, Te Ann…” Maven started, taking a sip of her drink for a moment before she continued, “You’re both our batch’s academic achievers, student body president sya and you’re the president of one of the Academy’s famous organization.”
Shane chimed in after dictating her order to Gillian, “Aside from that you’re both passionate for the same things, music—”
“Philanthrophy.” Julie added as she swatted Sienna’s hand away from reaching her phone.
“Literature,” Sienna mumbled, not wanting to have her opionion left out all the while returning a vengeful swat to Julie.
And finally, Callie said, “At same kayong bading.”
A comment which garnered the entire table’s amusement, evident by the laughter that burst out of her friend’s mouths and the soft chuckle from Analiese on the unexpected addition.
“I wouldn’t have put it that brazenly,” Gillian told Analiese after talking to the waiter, turning towards her friend who hasn’t uttered a word of defiance to whatever Maven was telling her, “But I guess what we’re asking is what exactly did you tell Maxine after she confessed and why the heck aren’t you two on the way to your first date.”
And just like that, Analiese’s clock stopped ticking and it’s as if the world stopped for a moment, because why weren't day? Why wasn't she?
Because she’s been asking that the entire time since Maxine confessed.
“I mean…” Gillian didn’t stop there, and she didn’t seem to plan on stopping, “It’s not like her confession was out of nowhere, Ann, in fact, we expected it way sooner.”
“In fact,” Callie peaked from behind Gillian, “We thought she would confess nung fellowship night pa eh.”
The group nodded in agreement, Julie humming as she squinted, “Maxine was so attentive towards Ann she almost fainted nung natumba’t nasugatan si Ann eh.”
Shane chuckled at that memory, “Alala mo din when she couldn’t stop asking us if Ann was okay or if she needed anything? Like, girl? Balik ka na sa program cause we can handle this.”
“Parang na-delay ng one hour yung night program nun eh, ayaw pumirmi nung pulang manok na yun.” Sienna replied as she rubbed her forehead.
“Wala ng mas oobvious pa don,” Maven chuckled, “Dios ko, di ko nga alam paanong hindi nahalata ni Ann eh, parang buong batch tsaka buong faculty alam na eh.”
“Ikaw ba naman, kinausap talaga ang principal na wag i-aassign yung mabibigat na task sa org ni Ann kasi sakitin raw ang president at masyadong hardworking.” Callie turned to Gillian and chuckled at the silent grumble the tall girl emitted, “Sainyo napadpad mabibigat na task eh, sobrang stress mo non.”
“Tas naalala nyo noong required mag field demo lahat ng seniors?” Sienna interjected, hands on her hips as if she was reprimanding the group, “Lahat tayo non nag-susuffer under the heat of the blazing hot Filipino sun tas itong si madam ninyo sa sobrang ganda hinahatiran ng tubig ni Maxine kahit sobrang layo nya sa pila.”
“Alphabethical order? Di nyan mapipigilan ang isang lovergirl!” The teasing comment came from Julie as she pinched Analiese’s cheeks.
“God, stop.” Having received so much teasing already, Analiese begged.
Chuckling softly, Callie made sure that request was ignored, “Parang walang pake yun kung maging Top 2 sa batch yun eh, gumagawa ng reviewer tas sesendan si Ann tas pag tayo humingi titignan tayo na para bang hindi natin alam gumawa, grabe talaga ang mundo.”
The waiter arrived with their food and Analiese turned towards the entrance, brows frowning as there was no sign of Maxine arriving yet. They distributed the food and drinks and placed the missing girl’s food in front of her seat, right beside Analiese.
They weren’t exactly finished though, as they begin to eat, they continued talking about all the times Maxine didn’t hide how she feels towards Analiese. The days when she would bring flowers and leave it on the girls table; times when she waited for Analiese’s class to dismiss and walk with her home; or on rainy days when Maxine would intentionally leave her umbrella just so she can share Analiese’s.
Just like everyone else, this was the conclusion her friends have come to. It was just a matter of time.
And the time was last night, during the graduation dinner, Maxine approached their table and asked to talk to her. She was lead out towards the garden and they sat in silence at one of the benches out there. The night was quiet outside, a game of charades was played amongst the students left inside.
A minute, five… ten. They sat in silence for ten minutes before Maxine broke the little bubble that was slowly forming around them.
“ I admire you. ” She said, eyes staring up at the sky, looking intently towards the stars that Analiese couldn’t gauge whether Maxine was talking to her or to the blazing balls of gases millions of lightyears away, but then, Maxine turned to her and repeated the words, “I admire you and I have been admiring you for quite some time now,” The girl said, pausing for a moment before she turned away again and chuckled softly, as if she can’t believe she’s doing this, letting out a heavy puff of breath as all the nerves she accumulated during the night was finally, finally , released.
“Maxine…” Analiese started, but the redhaired girl interjected.
“You don’t have to tell me.” The student body president blurted, eyes downcast and smile fading into a thin line of understanding just what the uncertainty in Analiese’s voice meant, “I…" The girl paused, sighing softly, as if the words were so heavy and the reality so hard on her shoulders, "I know.”
It was Analiese's turn to shy away now, because it feels suffocating to keep staring at someone whom she knows she loves, just…. Not in the way everyone was expecting. No.
She turns away feeling frustration. Guilt. Anger. Because she knew how to love. She knew how it felt. She knew how to give it. She just… doesn’t. Doesn’t feel it now. It was as if Maxine's love has the depth of an ocean Analiese couldn't bring herself to swim into.
“I wasn’t subtle with my feelings, Armada.” Maxine continued, always addressing her by her last name, “That’s why I know that if you reciprocated it, I’ll feel it too.” The girl turned towards her as she continued, “I’m just happy you let me.”
Confusion painted her face now as she watches Maxine chuckle a bit, no real joy in her laughter, just amusement of the situation they were in.
“I’m not confessing because I’m waiting for you to say you love me too, let’s face it, you don’t.” Maxine stated.
“What makes you so sure of my feelings?” Analiese challenged, because she’s not one to let others dictate how she feels.
“Because I’ve seen how you love, Analiese.” Those words silenced the other girl, that was the only time Maxine has uttered her first name, with a sad smile on her face now, “And I know how deeply you feel that particular emotion, so I would be lying to myself if I were to say there was a chance you love me the way I do.”
Maxine stood, smoothing a nonexistent crease on her dress and smiled genuinely at the girl before her, eyes meeting Analiese with acceptance.
“Don’t feel guilty, don’t feel like you have to return whatever this is I may be feeling.” The girl tilted her head and reached over to softly pat and smooth out Analiese’s brown hair, "Just..." She softly exhaled the word, still petting the girl's soft hair, “Let me feel this… Please just let me feel this.”
And as if her heart wasn’t broken yet, the plead to allow her to just show her love crushed Analiese, because who was she to deny someone their emotions, their right to feel it deeply?
That night ended with Maxine and Analiese acting as civilized as they could. Neither Maxine nor Analiese told anyone of the other girl’s confession that night, but by morning the batch group chat was brimming with messages of congratulations for the two of them and well wishes of a strong relationship.
Messages which Analiese refused to acknowledge and Maxine refused to look at.
And so here she was tonight. Amongst friends but plagued by the crushing thought of not being able to reciprocate feelings that she has encountered all her life.
She knew how falling in love was like. It was recognizing that a person could be yours. Not as a possession, but as a safe haven. Loving someone is finding solace in a world full of cruelty. Loving someone is warm mornings and a soft rain. Loving someone was understanding that the chaos in this world can be put to order, that violent oceans can be calmed, that disasters can be remidied.
She knew how to love someone, she knows what loving feels like, she has loved time and time again. She just… didn’t know how deeply.
Because to love is to be human. Everyone loves somebody. It’s all a matter of how deeply. Because she knows she loves Maxine… just not in the way Maxine loves Analiese.
So out of her thoughts, Analiese failed to notice the arrival of the girl in question. Only when she felt a tap on her shoulder did she turn and was greeted by Maxine’s signature smirk with a teasing, “Lutang ka na naman.” All the while taking her seat beside her.
Their friends greeted the girl with celebration, Callie meeting Analiese’s eyes and raising her brows in a knowing manner, as if she knew something Analiese didn’t.
Internally, Analiese sighed.
Because wasn’t the world supposed to stop when she turned and found Maxine’s eyes looking at her and only her. Wasn’t her heart supposed to skip a beat and feel utterly hopeless when the first words Maxine spoke were directed towards her. Wasn’t she supposed to feel her cheek warm up and hands freeze up and her nerves buzz.
No.
She knows how to love. She knows that feeling. But she can’t bring herself to feel more than what a friend feels towards Maxine.
And how could she.
Looking at this girl right now, with eyes full of joy, conversing freely with their friends, acting as if nothing happened the night before, Analiese could only feel regret. She doesn’t know how, she can’t seem to figure out why. Why? Why can’t she love her back? Why, when Maxine’s so deserving of love, can’t she give her the love she deserves?Maxine who was so easy to love. Maxine who was always there to make her love. Maxine who's a dork.
Looking at the girl who cared for her sincerely, who told her to not feel neither regret nor obligated to love her back, Analiese wishes she was able to make Maxine feel special. She wishes that she can return the love this girl before her deserved. And she wishes is that Maxine finds the love worthy of her, because no matter how hard Analiese tries, she can’t.
It was unfortunate to see a genuine love not returned. Because while Analiese knew it wasn’t her fault, that the time wasn’t right, that her heart couldn’t allow it. Analiese realized that no matter how much she tries, no summer flower can blossom on winter grounds, just like how her heart cannot bring itself to love Maxine back, and in the end, they were broken for the same reason.
That Analiese can’t return her love.
